Climbing Outta the Funk

Ever feel like you're in a rut? Emotionally, spiritually, physically?

I do. I'm a little hesitant (and embarrassed) to bear my soul here, because I think people mostly want to hear updates on the family or tales of Kaden's antics, but I'll just say I've been losing the battle with that one sin that Satan always throws my way (not to say that I only mess up in one area!!). No matter what your weaknesses or what your past, I'm sure just about everyone can identify with a period of feeling too weak to overcome your weakness(es).

What really stinks is that the internal battles I've been fighting are apparently not as internal as I thought. Josh can tell when I'm indulging in "stinkin' thinkin'" (not sure where that phrase came from) or when I've thrown in the towel, giving up the hope that I'll ever have victory again in this area. It bothers him to see me in this defeated state, and I know that this distraction, this emotional drain, affects my effectiveness as a wife and a mom. And that bothers me, too!

So it's time for a new plan. I've been wallowing about in self-pity for long enough, and it's time for the next step! A big part of the plan is discipline, and another big part involves carving out time each week for me, which I have to say is hard. Being a busy mom of two is a rather convenient excuse to push away the stuff I "don't have time" to deal with. But as is always the case, carving out a bit of time for myself to do the things I need to do for my soul and my body always makes me more alive in every other moment of the day when I'm focused on Josh or the kids.

And when it comes down to it, that's what I want to be. Fully present, fully alive, fully on mission in every moment, not distracted and faltering under guilt and shame and self-pity. The best news, and I can't fail to mention it, is that I'm not in this alone. Not only do I have a supportive, loving husband, but I serve a God who is stronger than my weakness. My Father wants to see me succeed in overcoming the flesh and becoming more like his Son. Satan tells me I'm all alone, but it's not true -- God is with me each step! Victory today does not guarantee victory tomorrow, so I must continue being vigilant and making the best choices I can! So, that's me in this moment. Feeling defeated and rather sorrowful in my heart, but ready to try again.

If you want to share, how do you attack your area of weakness...or kick your butt into gear when you're in a rut?

Thanks for letting me vent. I'll try to think of something happy to post about next time. :-)

Peacemaker

I love this song by Greg Ferguson (of Willow Creek fame). It characterizes God in some ways that I've never seen anywhere else. As we're all gearing up for Christmas, I wanted to share these words for you to ponder in the next few days leading up to the big day. They're simple, but so beautiful! I hope they touch you, too.

"Peacemaker, Fear taker,
Soul soother, Storm smoother,
Mind clearer, Sigh hearer,
Hand holder, Consoler,
Light shiner, Lost finder,
Cloud lifter, Deliverer,
Would binder, Tear drier,
Strength giver, Provider,
Heart toucher, Truth lover,
Heart healer, Kind father,

Who other could be...
Fear taker, My Savior, Peacemaker to me?"

Ropes of Kindness and Love

The kids and I played hooky from church today because we're all recovering from yet another head cold. Josh volunteered in the media booth, so he had to leave home at 6am this morning. Unfortunately, he didn't get home from work until about 1am last night and is at work again tonight. Poor guy. ;-( He does love volunteering at Cross Point, though -- it's just hard when an early morning is sandwiched in between two nights of work.

Anyway, I was reading my one-year Bible this morning, and this verse jumped out at me:

Hosea 11:4 - "I led Israel along with my ropes of kindness and love. I lifted the yoke from his neck, and I myself stooped to feed him."

What an encouraging glimpse of God's character! Does anyone else other than me sometimes (okay, regularly) need reassurance that God is going to continue meeting our needs, leading us along with his ropes of kindness and love? I know that I do! No matter how he's come through for me in the past, my human heart is shamefully forgetful. I hate to admit it, but it's true.

I love Bible verses that give us visual pictures, and this one definitely qualifies. I imagine a cord reaching from heaven right into my life, an invisible cord that has been there my whole life and is woven into the intricacies of each blessing and each decision that has brought me to today.

Josh and I have talked recently about how the nature of our work (day jobs, night jobs, and regular leaps of faith) makes it obvious to us that God has "stooped to feed us" many times over the past two years. Although part of me misses the "security" of a 9-5 salaried job, I can see that our self-employment jobs are a blessing because they tie us directly back to God's gracious hand -- freelancing projects, new clients, and generous tips at the restaurant. We don't necessarily have a company or boss to attribute our finances to, so our gratitude goes directly to God.

But...I think that direct tie is also why I worry sometimes -- worried that I'll do something wrong to cut off his grace or that he'll change his mind about me or about meeting my needs. This verse tells me that it's not about me. It's about HIS kindness, HIS love. And on this side of the Cross, it's all about Jesus' righteousness that makes me worthy of God's love.

If, like me, concern or worry [gasp!] ever grips your heart, know that God has lifted that yoke from your neck. Trust that his ropes of kindness and love will lead you along the right path he intends for your life. I fully expect that part of his love will lead me through difficult times in order to grow me and shape me. And that's okay.

I am so grateful for the way God uses his Word to directly answer prayers and remind me of what an amazing Father he is.

You don't have to comment here, but just think about this: how have you seen God's ropes of kindness and love weaving through your life and holding you up at just the right times?

Dear God...

I have to brag on my son when opportunities arise, because I've shared some pretty harrowing tales of motherhood on my blog, mostly involving diaper ointment and baby powder. There was also a recent incident at my brother's NEW house involving purple nail polish and a white carpet. But I won't go into that. :-) Let's just say that Jon & Ashley were very gracious and that Melaleuca's Sol-U-Mel saved the day.

But as full of energy, curiosity, and mischief as he can often be, there are many, many times each day when I see his tender heart, mostly toward Laney. He is so incredibly caring to her, and although I know they'll go through spats while they're growing up, I pray that someday they'll return to this sweet friendship they have going on right now. I feel confident they will.

So while I like sharing the humor and awe involved in some of his schemes, I really love sharing the endearing moments that we get to see at home. A few nights ago, Josh was at work, and I was praying with Kaden before bedtime. He rarely wants to pray himself; he much prefers drinking his milk in silence and letting Josh or me do all the talking. Which is fine with me because I know he's listening and learning with every word we say. So I prayed like usual, and then we talked for a few minutes and Kaden (in all his stalling glory) asked me to pray again. At this point, I usually suggest he prays, and he normally responds, "Mama pray, Mama pray." But for some reason, he agreed. So his prayer went something like this...

Me: Dear God, thank you for this day.
Kaden (repeating): Dear God, thank you for this day.
Me: [starting to say something else to repeat]
Kaden: [ignores me and starts praying on his own!]

Thank you for fun. Thank you for Daddy. Thank you for Daddy work. Thank you for Jeremy. Thank you for Uncle Jon's truck [This was a carryover from our PA trip--my brother just got a new truck.] Thank you for toe-food. [Kaden-speak for tofu...we had it for dinner that night.] Thank you for flowers. [Or "leaves" as the rest of us call them. Our property is full of trees!] Thank you for Laney. Mama pray...Mama pray.

And then I realized it was my turn again. :-) His cute little voice praying to God made my heart melt. It was certainly a simple prayer, but oh!...so sweet. Kaden's very interested in heaven and God right now. He'll point out the window or look up into the sky and say, "Look! I see him!", referring to God. The small steps we're taking to teach Kaden to know, love, and enjoy Christ have already been such a joy to me. And more than anything, my prayer is that my kids will be able to look at my life and see a resemblance of Jesus. When they see my faith in action, I want them to be able to say, "Look! I see him!"

By God's grace, may it be so!