Ever feel like you're in a rut? Emotionally, spiritually, physically?
I do. I'm a little hesitant (and embarrassed) to bear my soul here, because I think people mostly want to hear updates on the family or tales of Kaden's antics, but I'll just say I've been losing the battle with that one sin that Satan always throws my way (not to say that I only mess up in one area!!). No matter what your weaknesses or what your past, I'm sure just about everyone can identify with a period of feeling too weak to overcome your weakness(es).
What really stinks is that the internal battles I've been fighting are apparently not as internal as I thought. Josh can tell when I'm indulging in "stinkin' thinkin'" (not sure where that phrase came from) or when I've thrown in the towel, giving up the hope that I'll ever have victory again in this area. It bothers him to see me in this defeated state, and I know that this distraction, this emotional drain, affects my effectiveness as a wife and a mom. And that bothers me, too!
So it's time for a new plan. I've been wallowing about in self-pity for long enough, and it's time for the next step! A big part of the plan is discipline, and another big part involves carving out time each week for me, which I have to say is hard. Being a busy mom of two is a rather convenient excuse to push away the stuff I "don't have time" to deal with. But as is always the case, carving out a bit of time for myself to do the things I need to do for my soul and my body always makes me more alive in every other moment of the day when I'm focused on Josh or the kids.
And when it comes down to it, that's what I want to be. Fully present, fully alive, fully on mission in every moment, not distracted and faltering under guilt and shame and self-pity. The best news, and I can't fail to mention it, is that I'm not in this alone. Not only do I have a supportive, loving husband, but I serve a God who is stronger than my weakness. My Father wants to see me succeed in overcoming the flesh and becoming more like his Son. Satan tells me I'm all alone, but it's not true -- God is with me each step! Victory today does not guarantee victory tomorrow, so I must continue being vigilant and making the best choices I can! So, that's me in this moment. Feeling defeated and rather sorrowful in my heart, but ready to try again.
If you want to share, how do you attack your area of weakness...or kick your butt into gear when you're in a rut?
Thanks for letting me vent. I'll try to think of something happy to post about next time. :-)
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2 comments:
I think you and I need to chat :) I have been feeling VERY similar, only I wasn't brave enough to share my soul on my blog....I am right there with you, sister! I've been struggling, too, and I'm trying to figure out how to work on making things better. Love and hugs to you! I can't wait to see you!!!!
Hi Jenn!
Thanks for sharing! I think just that fact that you see your area of weakness and have a huge desire to change is a BIG first step! I am not sure what you are struggling with, but I have always struggled with my weight. I am down about 10# since I last saw you and am excited to keep on going! For me it was about DISCIPLINE, planning, and finding a workout program I could do at home (when I can't make it to the gym) that I enjoy. Well, all I have to say is that TURBO JAM by Beach Body has given me the support and motivation to kick my butt in gear. I also had to get out of the mode of thinking that there was some magic pill or patch that would do the work for me. It took 10 months to put on this weight and it will be a slow process taking it off. I am starting the new year with an understanding that I can not fully love my neighbor if I do not love and care for myself! When I make the choice to work out and eat healty, I find that I have more positive energy to give to others. I am also celebrating my success and not beating myself up when I slip. Whatever you are stuggling with, I have confidence that with the Holy Spirit, you too can begin to celebrate your successes. Start visualizing yourself doing what it is you want to do. Imagine how you would feel if you did get your butt in gear. What might be preventing you from doing it? Are you getting anything positive out of staying in this rutt? Just some questions to consider. Well, Jenn... you are the most talented writer I have ever met. Just like you are able to make your writing deadlines, you will be able to break the bondage of whatever stronghold you are dealing with. I want to see you be all that God created you to be so let me know how I can encourage you to make 2007 your best year! YOU deserve it! Love, Holly B.
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